dude we were spooning naked in bed with her ass in my crotch. she sharted in her sleep all over my dick.
there's a taquito in the driveway. If it's not yours I'm going to eat it.
I just wanted to say sorry for trying to jack off your dog last night.
The worse part is i sent a text at like three that said i was getting head... Now i have no idea who's mouth has been on my dick
and apparently i was drunk enough to follow up with "I'd let me touch your boobs" ... not my best line.
i'm pretty sure they aren't charging me for that window i broke with a turkey sandwich while i was hammered.
My TA just came over to give us drugs. Now he's drinking grey goose with my roommate and explaining his thesis to her. This is too much.
I think ppl see us as an unstoppable drunken force
Think of this as an opportunity. Like Jesus just opened up his closet, and inside is an endless supply of huge, beautiful cock.
she stopped traffic so I could crutch across the street. Clubbing while crippled and drunk is different.
Who needs sounds of the ocean? I just fall asleep to whatever chubby he is banging next door.
So is it weird that I am super excited for my new captain america clit ring... Or is my crotch getting too patriotic
I have a horrible feeling I left my dildo in the kitchen today after washing it. This is my life.
Blacking out in the security line at the airport is not nearly as fun as blacking out in the lunch line at the dining hall.
I blacked out after the piñata full of condoms
Randomize
