How come the only thing we can do right in our lives is drugs?
He wore homemade jorts on our first date. I'm not sure if I should leave now or embrace the white trash lust and marry him
he said it was like fucking a big sack of slut potatoes
found a ham sandwich in the elevator it tasted so hungry and it was still fresh. dont be mad at me. you know you love ham.
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She passed out in his mom's bed and when we went to go get her she went 'no its cool I live here'.
Bailing my boss from jail at five in the morning.. If thats not a promotion I don't what is.
I might have beaten my fastest all time record going from "I really really like this girl" to "fuck that bitch"
Only you would have a vasectomy while you're awake and report on the soundtrack first
My tub is filled with twinkies which would be awesome if they were still wrapped and not floating in a mixture of bath water and what appears to be vomit.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Do you think I'm short enough to dress up in a ghost costume and go trick or treating and have people believe that I'm actually a child?
I wish university was like frosh week all the time and then they just give you a degree for surviving
It would have been nice to break the dry spell with nice, civilized, sober sex somewhere other than on my friend's couch.
Best case scenario I do a bunch of dirty things to you, blow your mind and you enjoy it. Worst case I stare at you, poke at you, smile and droll on myself, you laugh.
I'll truly miss your penis but your use of words and phrases such as bae, yolo, swag, and totes have ruined how attractive you once were.
HE IS. YOU SHOULD TOUCH HIS BACK.
IT IS A COURTSHIP RITUAL.
THE MUTUAL BUTT TOUCH IS SACRED.
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