remember facepaint boy? turns out it stains. aaaand i have it all over my face and neck.
There were 3 chicks in my bed I didn't know when I got home. Now I know all of them. Biblically.
I just made $100 from people paying me not to get naked at the party... I need those P90X dvds
he said the way to his heart was through his stomach, i told him if he wanted to eat my food he had to eat my kitty
smooth operator
her boyfriend dumped her for my exgirlfriend. so filming our hookup is pretty much a definite.
She was surprised when she saw all our living room furniture was made from old kegs. It's like she's never met us before...
someone just laughed at me while i'm laying on the floor waiting for the bus. like they've never been hungover.
I wish the ER had shaved that part of my head. It would be easier to show people my staples at the bar.
Sorry if I put you in that 'glad we're hanging out but I'm gonna go fuck your cousin' kind of position
Nothing quite says Coachella like me doing high yoga in the middle of a field by myself
Let us rub each other in fish scales and become mermaids
I went from swearing off of sex to planning a threesome. It's been a rollercoaster of a day.
Is it weird that the girl I'm fucking just wished me luck on my date tonight?
I think it may be easier if I stay drunk/high til the wedding. You game?
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
Randomize
