My entire life is one complicated drinking game
You're breaking my vagina 4 times a day I reserve the right to know your middle name.
i'm satisfied with the level of pretty that his new girlfriend isn't.
The best part is when you puked in your slurpree and the 7 eleven guy still made you pay for it
She showed up to the party with a live octopus and a 30 pack that was already half gone
Think I pulled my pelvic muscle.
I think I pulled my ashamed of myself muscle.
I think I may have accidentally stepped in fire
please, i've had weekends with less dignity than this.
YOU WOULD BE SEEING ME. IN MY KITCHEN. BENDING OVER MY OVEN. MAKING YOU CAKE.
Wait, that's an option?
"I'm gonna wax that ass" was the successful pick up line used on me last night. Clearly I had a few too many cause it worked..
This guy has a theme song for the joints he rolls
At this point all my Tinder matches are telling me I'll be fucking the whole male population of UMass '17.
She asked me if I would fuck her with my storm trooper mask on
What happened last night dude?
YOU SHIT ON MY FUCKING COFFE TABLE THATS WHAT FUCKING HAPPENED!!!
hot take: drunk me can walk through walls?
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