you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
I wish i could be on x for the rest of my life.
My mom just said we needed to put weed into our earthquake kit.
I voted for him because his wife supports his raging sex life.
my memory may be fuzzy, but the 20+ naked pictures I sent him were surprising clear
Filthy. I need to be power hosed with holy water.
Fastest way to get judgmental looks on a Sunday morning: wear sunglasses inside carrying a case of beer and thin mints at the grocery store. May or may not have ran into the glass door.
Gotta love Minnesota
I slept awesome next to you. You're like an electric blanket that I can have morning sex with.
My cat is staring at me while I drink my wine on the bathroom floor in the morning instead of attending class. Sorry mom and dad. Sorry cat.
My greatest achievement in life thus far is being the go to friend when you have questions about butt plugs.
BABE I MISS YOU SO MUCH LIKE THE SADNESS OVERWHELMS BONER ABILITY
Where does dick fit into Maslow's hierarchy of needs?
In the event that Ian's ex wife asks you, tell her I'm sweet snd innocent. No reason.
Are you drinking tequila at 1pm? ...at Disneyland?
The text I got from my boyfriend this morning: "babe, I'm not mad because I know you were drunk, but you kissed 3 guys last night and I wasn't one of them".
Randomize
