ok plan lets look hot and dance like whores.
My dad is complaining about how his computer keeps getting viruses. I don't have the heart to tell him he needs to stop downloading so much porn.
I just caught Brandon licking the fake chocolate on a smores ornament
are you just going to ignore any texts involving my penis from now on? because thats going to shut down a pretty sizeable portion of our conversations.
Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
I never thought I'd say this, but there is a life threatening amount of rumpleminz in our freezer
Dude I swear I heard "geet out!!!" when I went down on her. I shouldve listened.
I dont know if you relize this but ive been high ly medicated in my room for a whil now. GOing out into the real world would make me li ke tom ha nks. im not ready to be tom hanks..
I refuse to have sex with you and your eBay condoms.
Can vaginas get frostbite?
I'm doing running of the bulls tomorrow at 7am...except in New Orleans roller derby girls chase you.
Well I'm over here squandering a fabulous hair day and radiant complexion
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
Dude, you got arrested for trying to direct traffic with your dick....
Found your bra in my backseat. And yes it took me that long to finally clean it out from last weekend
Didn't even know it was missing, if that makes you feel any better
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