She described it as "a squirrel being hit by a hurricane"
I just put anything in between my legs and hope for the best.
He's engaged. If the world's smallest penis can find true love than I can too.
You three are like the Bermuda Triangle for morals.
he slapped my stomach and proclaimed it a baby-free zone
You promised me a handle of vodka if I took home her ugly friend. Thanks to law class I took for the 2nd time I know that's a unilateral contract asshole
Just saw the guy with the plastic bag on his head riding his bike again...
We waved. But it was a "let's hook up" wave.
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
I'll always remember 2012 as the year I hooked up with countless girls who had the sides of their heads shaved.
The lady at target couldn't scan my grocery item and just looked at me and said "just take it. I hate this fucking place". Best munchie adventure yet.
Now I have the walk of shame to give the receptionist the bathroom key back, I've had it for 20 minutes. I should just smile and wink. She knows what went down.
The front camera on the 5S is SO much better. This is great development for my international sexting.
there is a guy with a glowstick staff outside my house
Was that you calling me at 4am asking to borrow a rubber ducky and a tampon?
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