The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
he just booty called me in advance instead of waiting til 3 am when hes trashed. i think thats really considerate and gentlemanlike.
We were laying in the basement dry humping to the rhythm of the washing machine
I'll even be awesome and bring pizza for your family, just as a "hey thanks for letting a stranger get trashed at your house" gesture.
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How was the birthday sex?
Shit got outta hand. Honestly I think even my STDs have STDs.
Do you ever wonder what the men who we shamelessly objectify would think if they saw our texts in regard to them?
i know you're upset so i should probs be supportive but i've got nothing in that department. your life suuuuucks
It's like a harem of immaturity and bad ideas...and that's coming from me
I did my walk of shame through a safeway at 8am to get YOUR hangover bagels. You're welcome asshole
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When Pitbull's songs sum up your life... you know it's time for some serious life changes.
Why was I lying under a truck last night?
Has anyone ever blacked out at an art show your dad brought you to?
Yeah so then I used the selfie stick his mom gave me to take nudes
She rode me like a jockey on that tiny couch. Then we spooned.
Details are irrelevant. Come bail me out of jail.
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