Oprah is sooooo fat. I can't even concentrate on Mackenzie Phillips talking about banging her dad
drunk doesn't even begin to explain it. dude called him and said to bring you back because he'd already called dibs.
I just watched 2 blind guys walk into each other head on in providence. It pays to pregame in your car.
Threw up 3 times on the lawn mower and then proceeded to crash it into a tree root and break it.
Would it help you get over me if I told you that I had unprotected sex last night?
Only your wife would write 'for deposit only' on the back of that $1500 check knowing full and well our capabilities of spending it on strippers and booze
There was a stripper pole on the party bus. Was being past tense because some fat chick somehow tore it from the ceiling while grinding
Seriously, it sounds like someone is torturing a dozen cats inside a Japanese techno club while a jamaican yells random hipster words through a megaphone.
I got laid while wearing a shirt with a picture with my little brother deep throating a banana on it.
I just love that it's Veterans Day because I know in my heart that I have serviced some of their brethren in the dirtiest, hottest, most shameful ways possible.
I'm also sorry that I ate your chicken sandwich while you were throwing up....
She's the prison bitch to my Martha Stewart.
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
Thanks again for the coffee and orgasms
I had mediocre parking lot sex last night so the night wasn't a complete bust.
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