so ur a construction worker, male escort, sex god and surfer? lol
well its been awhile since I've surfed
You can't like Harry Potter and Twilight. You have to pick. Vampires and Wizards are mutually exclusive.
My mom just bought me $200 worth of booze on the condition that I promise I won't have to go to rehab eventually
Shes been standing with her arms crossed in front of the mirror for 45 minutes...she told me she's "getting sober"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
sometimes i think my sole purpose in life is to cockblock my roommate
That's what I'm here for. To bitch slap you into believing in yourself.
When we were grinding I think your nuva ring fell into my shoe
You need to let him know my only agenda is coke and sadness.
We can't BOTH have terrible sex lives. Get fucked or throw him out.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm already too high to be publicly presentable. I just looked at myself in the mirror without my sunglasses. Debated contacts. Said aloud "But I'm nothing without my sunglasses."
Stop your judging. I got free booze AND an oil change. You're the one whose always saying we're spending too much money.
I appreciate alcohol much more now that I have to be sober sometimes
Side note: I just realized that I can make my hand warmers double as a heated push up bra.
And I'm laying here struggling with the notion that I need to put pants on.
His wife isn’t coming to the wedding! I’ve got 48 hours to home wreck him. Gotta go, I have to shave my vajayjay and buy some really slutty underwear. Love you!
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