Nothing too bad. Lost a stuffed horse on a stick and tore my clothes off. Again.
new low, i just stole money from my 5 year old sister to buy condoms
when im not freaking out about dying alone and unloved, i actually really enjoy being single
drunk me is my new role model. he's fearless. like not even afraid of tornadoes.
I like that most of our conversations somehow end in us having sex for the good of our country
Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
Don't worry I drank 7 more beers & brought home a guy that bit me at the bar.
You slow clapped the stripper last night.
Tomorrow, if I don't look at least 5% better than I do on a regular day to day basis, I want you to hit me and tell me that no one will ever love me if I continue to look like I just rolled out of a cocaine induced hibernation. I'm asking you for tough love.
If I had cancer, and got to make a wish, id make the organization force your dad to fuck me.
Making a mobile stripper pole for the back of my truck memorial weekend. Is where dignity goes to die
Maybe she'll change her mind but the "go fuck yourself" doesn't seem promising
I tried to steal a Mike's Hard sign last night but it didn't work out
why what happened?
Well it was going fine.. until the bouncer noticed the three foot steel lemon sticking out of my jacket.
I heard from the downstairs bathroom "WHY CAN'T I WIPE MY ASS IN PEACE!" and a pisscrate of glass bottles breaking
Just stopped at a cross walk because the light turned red 3 streets down. I'm way too high.
Randomize
