I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
So the weirdest part of it all was he whispered in my ear "can i eat you out on your tredmill?" I dont find him attractive at all anymore
The pick up line I used was "Grab my sack, you'll be back." Then I winked at her.
Sorry for making you give strangers a ride for hits of acid.
Remember when spice girls "Two Become One" came on just as we were about to fuck? talk about a boner jam
His parents know me as "the white shoed screamer"
I'm not saying Tijuana was a bad idea, I'm saying that we make poor life choices. And Steve was robbed by the police.
I'VE CAME 4 TIMES TODAY. I AM AS DRY AS THE SAHARA, STOP YOUR WHINING.
I feel like your dick pick is everywhere. Never have I needed to be so careful when posting pictures.
lonely sunday drunk me decided to tweeze my pubes. HORRIBLE IDEA
Ah, drunk me ordered sushi at 3 a.m. for sober me's lunch the next day. EXCELLENT
ive decided that just saying "yes" when people assume I am something other than Caucasian will highly benefit my love life. last night I was native.
MY BUTT IS BIG ENOUGH FOR AN ANACONDA AND HE DOESNT GET TO ENJOY IT TOUGH SHIT
Just let me pee on you and I'll leave you alone.
If my body were a person, it would be beating the shit out of me for what I did to it last night.
Randomize
