Did you go home with that guy without me?
Sorry boo - it's pouring and I found a boy with a car
I'm drive I can fine osifer
you said youd get me home safely, you dropped me off at 9:30 last night and i just woke up on my porch.
why is there a sandwich nailed to the wall
i am making flyers for the homeless letting them know about free chipolte day
sounds like you fell off the wagon.
fuck falling off. at this point, the wagon is a dot on the horizon.
I'm pretty sure we've had sex a bunch more times than we've hugged. So hugs are weird when they happen.
I have a strong contender for the new number 1 position for fwb. He met me at the door with pizza and a shot of patron
You know you're doing college wrong when you have to bail your RA out of jail
Decided to make myself tequila gummy bears but got impatient and just drank the bowl of tequila.
I just dumped the bloody coke bill into the tip jar while getting my hangover coffee. I'm literally going to hell.
EVERYBODY CALM YOUR SHIT
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
Are you aware that you called your mom to say hi before you dragged the random guy into bed last night?
Bruh. You offered the cashier tater tots that you had stuffed in your pocket.
Yeah, and? She might've been hungry.
Randomize
