She said I wasn't helping her abandonment issues by not responding to her texts at 4 am
Nothing like a 3am firealarm to kick a booty call out...
He said he has something to give me... I swear to God if it's a joint or a framed picture of his penis i'm going to kill him
I loved your drunken rendition of "I wanna dance with somebody" that you left on my voicemail last night.
aaaaaand im pretty certain i told that boy i just met that "his balls better be out tomorrow"
Hey, I didn't ask that stripper to put her unds in my mouth, it was just covered by the plus package fee I ordered.
If we can only get laid once in a blue moon, apparently this will be our month.
ripping the fire alarm off the wall probably seemed like a better idea last night than it really was.
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
Another memory: We offered for a stranger to live in our house under the condition that he took the garbage out because it's a 'blue' job.
We are the best.
Ps. We need to take the garbage out.
I apparently used the line "I'm a bouncer too so i would know if I were too drunk" then they asked me to leave.
I still can't get over the fact that he thinks I have my life together... That has to be one of the nicest yet most sadly misled things anyone has ever said about me
He drunk texted me what I think is two snails fucking on a mushroom. Is "you sick bastard" too mild a rejection?
Watching the awkward tinder date at the table next to mine is the most action I've had in months, so there's that.
you're the only girl i know who can be too sick to walk to the kitchen and still have enough game to receive multiple orgasms
Randomize
