she then came into the room and yelled I'M GOING TO BE A COCK BLOCK for 5 minutes
I don't remember which guy I met at the bar is coming to pick me up. It will be like my birthday surprise.
He kept saying it was because he was allergic to the chicken. Then he threw up on my mom.
Thanks for convincing the hot dog guy to give me one for $1 after I drunkenly dropped the first one. I loved your reasoning "I know you mark that shit up! I work in retail!"
Next year we will be 30 and no more shots during the week.
You did a strip tease for the toilet.
I gave an inspirational speech to a bum and called a bride ugly at her wedding reception.
Successfully masturbated while balancing on an exercise ball. my greatest accomplishment?
Probably
Here's how he asked the pregnant girl for a cigarette. Hey yo prego throw me a square. Not joking.
the last thing I heard was you screaming as the rodeo team herded you to the next party
the dj asked me quote "are you sure you're sober enough to do this?" And I grabbed the mic from him and said "ill fucking show you sober- HIT IT". I also dropped the mic at the end so he had to come around and pick it up
Shania Twain would have been proud
Just letting everyone know that I am still alive after last night. On a related note, this is the 15th "I'm not dead!" mass text I've sent. You've got to celebrate the little things.
If you were more comfortable around gay men, then you too could get wasted at the gay dance club and go home with hot girls.
It's like sexual waterboarding. You gave me sex so good I'm comparing it to torture. Jesus.
Now just crop his dad out and add it to the spank bank.
Randomize
