Someone jacked my earrings off me or I threw em in the toilet again
I hate when that happens
I lost my keys but found four buffalo wings in my pockets
I'm a little upset you wasted 3 beers on your wet tee shirt contest.
He sent me a picture of his ass and said the backdoor is open. Almost grabbed my keys and a condom before I saw it was a group text. Not nearly drunk enough for his desperation.
marshmallow pipe was a success. so was melon pipe. come try it
Time flies when you're blacked out in a lake
She sent pictures and the names of her 2 cats and her dog and told me that I should be happy to have met the whole family.
You must be good in bed dude
Sad fact: I'm doing that thing where I'm bored so I give myself Princess Leia hair and drink alcohol.
not even kidding I just received the single most greatest head I have ever had.. It was unreal. It was like stick my dick into a silk bag of puppy ears.
All I know is that I woke up with glitter all over me and blood on my shoes. It wasn't my blood.
You rolled onto your side and told me 'this is the recovery position'. That was after you were stoned. You've done this way too much.
I would rather her be sleeping with someone new than getting to go Harry Potter world before me...
If you keep giving me that glorious dick ill bake you some cookies
Today is get drunk without showing anyone my penis day
Just slather his penis with BBQ sauce
Randomize
