I told her I was team Edward. I haven't gotten laid that easy since I told your sister that I had cancer
its like whenever the snow comes all the hott girls drop out of school. where are they
Then we managed to set a grill and all 24lbs of meat on it on fire. I didn't help because I was filled with alcohol and extra flammable.
when she said she was from California you started sobbing. You begged her not to melt your popsicle because you paid good money for it and you just wanted to eat it in peace.
obviously you don't know the college version of myself. if there's something i'm ALWAYS willing to put up for it's alcohol.
I think if it were a part of everyone's daily routine, the world would be happier. International Finger Yourself While Bathing Day.
I just realized that at some point last night I told someone I would only be friends with 16% of them because the other 84% stole my people's land
i think we watched the dark knight rises after you left but i might have passed out through most of it. I remember crying at the end though. sad tears then happy tears.
WHAT IS HAPPENING
A FLOCK OF DICKS IS MIGRATING TOWARDS US.
A dude was barking out of one of the buildings so I barked back and he goes, "Oh shit! She barked back! Come to room 803 I'll fuck you!"
ten seconds after he was done making out with the blonde, he rips off his jacket and screamed "Goddamn it, you know I like brunettes"
I have never seen someone so pissed at getting some. i called dibs so fuck him
I just wish my penis was a person so I could give him a high five.
These last few days with George, grandma, and now Carrie all dying have been pushing me further and further into rum's sweet embrace.
Get here now. I need a drinking buddy. I don't care if you're in a different timezone, it'll be five o clock here faster.
IF THE SUNS NOT EVEN OUT THEN WHY IS HIS DICK OUT WTF
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