You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
Do you ever think God made girls unattractive around their periods as a warning?
You're the only person with a favorite bar in Disneyworld
you washed your face with toilet water last night.. i tried to stop you but you wouldn't have it.
The hot Japanese girl in my class just said her "favorite sexy American actor is Nick Cage." That, I can work with.
I woke up at 3am naked and stroking a watermelon.
i would one night stand the shit outta him
Whiskey shot with bacon bits, our version of Goldschlager WE ARE TRYIN IT.
you were standing in two feet of water, screaming at people walking by to "call river rescue".
Drank a beer through my butt, how's your initiation going?
Names, who you're caught in bed with, both minor details
What if for Halloween I paint my self gold and make sandwiches for everyone? I'd be a trophy wife! Get it?
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
You had sex with a Scottish dude with a peg leg....how could I NOT tell that story??
Like Napoleon Dynamite?
Exactly like Napoleon Dynamite
But with bacon.
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