so remember that time i slept over and came home in the morning to realize i left my vibrator next to the faucet for parents and brothers to see? this is worse
There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
So drunk can't even tell it's my own house. WOaoOw.
it was either a cry for help or you were gargling vodka. we didnt care either way.
Can't talk right now. I'm doing tequila shots with my professor at some Mexican bar. That's how I prepare for finals.
I know it's not technically the "Mile High Club" but we def need a name for the airport bathroom. Cuz that just happened.
He would have to make magical things happen in my nether regions to actually make me vote republican.
And literally 4loko margaritas are callin my name. They're like "Hey girl come on over here I'll make you forget about grades and boys and it'll be a good idea to send everyone 55 snapchats of your cleavage" ok
I'm a complete klutz, especially when I get excited. I pee a lot too. I'm like a puppy except I don't pee in the floor.
I have a strong contender for the new number 1 position for fwb. He met me at the door with pizza and a shot of patron
We fucked while The Odyssey played in the background. Homer would be proud.
To be fair, this is a tequila-while-rewatching-Benedict-Cumberbatch-as-Van-Gogh idea, so I don't know if it will hold up tomorrow.
I don't even think NICOLE made a fool of herself last night...
your aware she lit herself on fire, right?
Idk, but the girl in his story had really nice eyebrows and was singing The Climb. How about you CLIMB the fuck away from my man
FORGET THE EYEBROWS
this is a mass text: the cage has been opened. repeat, the cage has been opened. a search party will be organized. you are all sloppy bitches. that is all.
Randomize
