i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
You just left with that feminine looking guy you kept calling "Jessica." Just giving the heads up.
does drinking everclear count as brushing your teeth? because i think they are sterilized
I went back up to the apartment to get her phone and when I came back she was peeing on the sidewalk
No no I got the black eyes when I tried to do a flip off the second deck of a pontoon boat. Actually when I did a flip, it was a success.
I dont know. Theres no way you can be ready for the sex hurricane that will consume you.
Im playing lifeguard in my own bathroom. How's ur night?
Sorry, I am not your wing girl tonight,. in my pjs, eating cereal from the box. Hell I only shaved the inside of my legs just so they wouldn't itch. Not happening.
She keeps feeding me drugs. Its like I'm her baby bird or something
She licked my face when I was on the phone with a customer and I just laughed. Im not sure if thats good or bad
The only time we had a decent conversation was when he was on acid, and, like, that's not a great start to a relationship.
Do you ever look back on your life and think - man I should have never had sex with that guy
Definitely the only person to buy 2 handles a 2 bottles of champagne & 3 thirties while wearing a fanny pack
If one more dude who finds out I'm a cop asks to see me in uniform I'm gonna become asexual
Plus he probably didn't want to be at home, alone... Jacking off on the big screen without you there to lend a helping hand. I mean, let's be honest. It's not fun if it's not a little weird.
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