Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
Best walk of shame ever. Not only did I not remember his name or the fact that we fucked, they all watched as I tried to get into 3 cars that werent mine
Oh and I threw up on myself...
Yeah the sex got weird after I said "who's your daddy?" and she actually moaned her dads name.
Why do I always give away anal sex as birthday presents?
Shut up... one mans birthday cake is another mans sodomy my friend
No one wears that much makeup to work unless they are trying to fuck their boss, NO ONE
I'm either watching Fifth Element or Hotel Rwanda. There's black people and white people and high life tall boy 18 packs are $11.99 so I could be watching my own hand. I have no idea.
U should just post that picture of u two on facebook with the caption, does anyone know this girl? If so please tell her to take plan b, thanks
I never want to hear the words unlimited shots for boobs in the same sentence ever again.
I'm a professor! I can't be caught chasing the liquor with you hooligans once the undergrads have seen my face
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
ARTHUR IS ON FUCKING NETFLIX THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Okay... I just said "preach it" to the pokemon theme song. I'm hammered.
I want to ride his face like a jet ski
So it turns out that a Ford Focus does not fit in a Walmart cart return.
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