i'm trying to reconcile what i did last night with who i am as a person.
how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
after a few more beers I realized that both my wife and I like Latin men.
i finally watched harry potter... a tad unrealistic if you ask me... i mean a ginger kid with 2 friends?
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I have an odd instinct I wont find my underwear tonight
Two words. Shotgunning Cognac.
This has already gotten way out of hand
We got security called on us. Apparently the wedding down the street didn't appreciate the trespassing or our loud as fuck rendition of We Are Young.
If my mom's not going to offer me drugs then it's really pointless for me to be here.
Between this new vagisil cleaner and these cranberry vitamins, my vagina feels like a new women.
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I can't have my last hookup before 21 have been behind a dumpster
The ride home was alright, we hooked up in the street next to his car after he smashed into the guard rail
Dude, who WASN'T thinking of motorboating her?
Don't tell me I can do whatever makes me happy while also saying I have to put on pants.
I swear to god, I'm like....the Jedi master of dick.
Honestly, you can’t tell the whole sorority he has a donkey dick and expect that no one would sleep with him after you broke up
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