Currently standing on top of my parents leather couch with no pants on playing helicoptor with my penis. You?
i think the date started going downhill when i mentioned how many therapists i have
This dude. Just lost. A finger. He asked us for tape.
Should I tell her she gave me head in the kitchen while I was eating a cupcake or would that hurt her dignity too much?
Mixed review. I fucked her in the river, but then we were assaulted by ducks.
think I signed up for a 5k last night while blackout.
I cunt my lip shaving. That's not a typo, it's a placement clue
I'm reliable. I always make it home. I always throw up in the street too.
She just got on the scale. frowned, got off and took off her pants and then got back on
No I don't want to see you. You're the reason that I'm going to need a new liver by the time I'm 30.
A guy in a gorilla mask got blown on the lawn. And then the night got weird.
My neighbors are white girl rapping to Hamilton again...
lol show me an arrest record and I'll drop my panties
I did it again.
I drunk texted John McCain.
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
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