You're the end to all my bad dreams.
Did you have that reoccuring dream about me banging your mom again?
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
after he came i started crying. just to fuck with his head.
I love him. He's like the father I never had that I kind of want to fuck.
Im at target. Idk why I'm buying condoms AND a tutu for my cat. No one who dresses their cat up has ever gotten laid.
just woke up under a car ? That's odd
Holy fucking shit
WAIT BUT IM WEARING A BACKPACK THAT MAGICALLY HAS 30 BEERS IN IT
You stole a fry from a complete stranger. He wasn't happy. Then you said fuck it and stole the whole poutine and ran down the street while he stared in shock.
On a scale from 1 to banned, how offensive do you think it would be to wish my vibrator happy Valentine's Day on various social media outlets?
You're the third Mark I've fucked in that bed.
I only spent $42 at the bar last night, it's some sort of miracle.
you do remember it was dollar beer night, right?
That answers my next five questions
I just found a piece of dried shredded carrot on my bed
you told us the chicken was mocking you, then proceeded to explain that every time someone reads your mind you accidentally think of something sexual
They have a shelf full of jello shots, what have i gotten myself into
she prefaced telling me she was pregnant with "houston, we have a problem"
Saw a sign that said the chorus of never gonna give you up was enough time to wash your hands. Coronavirus has Rick rolled me.
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