Me liking this guy is the best diet ever. Do I want this cookie...or do I want to get laid.
should we take a power nap before our cocaine gets here?
His health insurance plan WILL NOT cover Lasix surgery but it WILL cover 100% of a penis enlargment operation...
I just saw her shopping list. The only things on it are blackberries, hot fudge and condoms. I almost don't wanna know. Almost.
He told me I just kept sending him the word sex and dollar signs.
As long as I don't spend the half the week passed out/fucked up on Klonopin and no one dies, this will be the best week I've had all semester.
TOUCH YOURSELF. DO IT.
I don't think that's how you're supposed to sext
Don't be too mad at the guy who broke your kitchen table. Didn't get his name, but he knew all about your gay porn career. Like DETAILS...
All I know is that I woke up with my pajamas on inside out in front of a bowl of watered down kd. Sitting up. I didn't even make it to bed.
I've been wearing the same clothes for 3 days and they're covered in franzia
Pro: She likes to masturbate to 50 shades of grey. Con: She reads 50 Shades of grey non-ironically.
Sunday mornings are confusing. Like. I can't decide if I want to go for a run or start drinking
Hi please disregard the last text and if you'd like our entire interaction
Done
I have a sixth sense for large penises and lack of morals
Lol for real, I'm Kylie Jenner "this is my year of realizing things" right now
Randomize
