a woman just threw her tv out the window while screaming "will you fucking work now?". i'm never moving
I don't know what's more pathetic, the fact that you dated him or the fact that it took a Taylor Swift song for you to break up with him.
On my way home right now. I miss you. let's cuddle. whiskey.
Just saw him riding in a basket on the front of a bike trying to feed the other guy beer. He screamed 'PARTY BIKE BITCHES!' at me as they rode past.
I lied. He's hitting on a drag queen now. Should I rescue him or take pictures?
truck drivers should not leave their trucks unlocked with cigarettes inside when we're drunk and walking around.
I just had a vision of confetti exploding out of someone's vagina to the sound of air horns... I think that would be welcoming.
I like the way you think.
There is a dude in a thong with a Nerf axe having battles in the street. Welcome to Portland
Yeah man it sucked balls. People on the bus probably thought I was fucking crazy. I was fetal position, taking up two seats with no shame whilst simultaneously panting.
You were great dude. You wanted to charge the guy with fedora $100 to get in.
We're about to play the try not to vom at the president's house game...
I know what you meant. If you want babies in time for your birthday, we gonna need either a time machine or a ski mask.
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
In other news, last night I told somebody they made eczema look so good they should call it sexzema.
He tried to tell me that that stripper was his aunt..
Me and some guy are crying in a port a potty together after another guy broke up with both of us.
Randomize
