Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
my grandma just informed me that patrick swayze used to babysit my dads cousins why wasn't i informed of this early...like when i was obsessed with dirty dancing!
I'm pissed I'm finding this out at 24 bc i could have used this material to make friends
I've done 29 out of the 30 things to do to a naked man according to Cosmo. I don't know if that makes me innovative or slutty.
Genius.
I can't believe you made out with me with a french fry in your mouth.
She called me Jeff during sex, I just kept going like nothing happened. To think, if I was a woman that would be a problem.
I dont have enough money in my bank account to buy a pregnancy test. this wouldnt be the first time ive had to steal one either...
All I'm saying is that whoever owned the wheelchair clearly didn't need it or they wouldn't have been able to leave it there
i'm drinking margaritas from a pouch...really dont think i'm in the position to judge anyone...
So I was about the only one NOT pregaming or stoned at my aunt's funeral... Maybe thats why I'm the black sheep.
So I'm going to regale you with a tale of someone who went out, was fed way to many shots, got super wasted and now has a date with one of the security guards from the building but has no idea what his name is. That someone is me
I'm sitting here with a heating pad and a fan on me eating snow caps off of my boobs
the moment when you open a dick pic with your mom in the car... On your moms phone... Of your dad... Scarred for life
He's bringing a lesbian pretending to be his girlfriend to family Christmas. I can not wait to see how this goes.
How do I un-spend everything I bought last night? Seriously...was a penis shaped piñata and enough tequila to fill my bathtub really that necessary?
At least you can say you've literally dumped money down the drain
i think i just naturally attract stoners
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