Considering the fact that you wouldn't give me my cat last night because he was "destined for broadway", yeah, I'm accusing you of stealing him
He passed out naked in my bathroom, then took a shower, then passed out again and then took another shower. Last time I let my brother visit.
If I die young bury me in satin. And make sure there's a taco bar at my funeral.
what compelled you to fill her bra with pudding and freeze it in the first place?
i might remember if i didn't get knocked out with it later that day.
So that 100 days of sobriety thing I told you about last week? Lasted all of 4 days. Fuck it, life's too short
I fucking love your mom. She's so drunk and fully functional. I aspire to be her one day.
Dude if i sent you a picture of the inside of my fridge would you be able to break down and explain everything that was in it?
Jungle juice turns everything into a pickup line. All I said was "do you play chess" and somehow I got laid.
I just got winded making my bed. How do you think the workout plan is going?
I know you've been in hospital with meningitis, but last night I walked into a streetlight and bruised my penis so who's really suffering here
The dude is a cop how would I ever date a cop I wouldn't be able to talk about the first TWENTY-SEVEN years of my life!
I just gotta say that I feel so much better now that I got some. I mean I feel like a normal functioning adult ready to contribute to society.
You're breaking my sexual little heart
I'm allotting you four buildings to piss on tonight. Choose wisely.
You’ll lick BBQ off my cock but no ketchup on a hotdog?
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