There's a lady carrying her kids toy animals in a crown royal bag. Mom of the year.
It's underwear night and I am literally in the bar wearing nothing but underwear and flip flops.
I hit her tiny dog with a horseshoe an hour ago. Her and her mom cried as it laid on the ground shaking. Im drunk.
Pitchers of shots should be outlawed. I've puked more than i've breathed in the past half hour.
We just set the fire alarm off with a fog machine. What's my first instinct? Finish my drink. I think I handled that correctly.
Bloody Mary Monday just took a turn for the worst... Just had a heart to heart talk with the cat about it's obsession with chewing on cardboard.... Time for a nap.
You know your high, when your chugging applesauce out of the jar with no utensils.
If I don't have hickies that last till tuesday, I didn't do this weekend right
You wanna get laid? Be a female for once and stop bending nails to impress guys.
Yeah man... I ordered donuts, drank wine, and cried to a movie with Seth Rogen in it. Do you really think I have my shit together?
I told him he was like my favorite pair of jeans; I may not wear them every day, but I'll never get rid of them and they make my ass look fantastic. Needless to say he was not thrilled.
I'm literally in my bed still trying to find the energy to take my corset off so I can binge eat oreos
seriously considering getting an electric blanket rather than sleeping with guys this winter for warmth.
You are currently doing Harry Potter spells with the turkey-baster...
He was gone when I woke up. But he left skid marks on my sheets and our unopened bottle of Titos is missing
New Rule: No more sleepovers with guys we met on Reddit
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