i know, but like... i wanna be a CLASSY i'm-stealing-your-date kind of slutty...
a girl walking in front of me just packed her cigarettes 72 times and yes i counted
how much adderall did you take today?
You'll be the guy with the raft that sells burritos on the river. You'd be legendary.
They're like penises that have been put in a blender.
i wrote down the address for planned parenthood on the back of the receipt for the condom that broke
If i apologize for punching you in the liver repeatedly will you explain where the grass stains on my shoulders came from?
I peed glitter this morning and had a beard drawn on my face with eyeliner. Last time I do shots with gay Dan.
Hon, I found you crying into a bathrobe in the back of a closet with a broken shoerack.
i told myself when i was 16 i would never fuck an Alan. now i've fucked 3 and i'm punching my 16-year-old self in the face
Just licked cheese from my hot pocket off my phone. I spilled because I was eating a Popsicle at the same time. Send an adult please
I'm so high that hamburger just went up my nose. Mustard BURNS
I made a joke about The Hemingway being a really boring sex position where you blandly describe all the action and then kill yourself after you orgasm. He stopped responding. I've GOT to stop talking to everyone like they're you.
250 people in this lecture & my prof asks who already drank green beer this morning& is drunk right now. I WAS THE ONLY ONE TO RAISE MY HAND
He just pulled his sweatpants down and pissed in the middle of our garden
Okay, first we buy a pirate outfit and then we get drunk, you in or you out?
Randomize
