you told him you liked to chip your nail polish to look like different countries. im gonna guess that no, you didn't sleep with him.
I wouldn't really call it 'getting lucky' considering I paid her to do it.
Just got an Edible Arrangement my parents sent me for my birthday. Time to marinate some fruit in vodka.
I need to shower. I still have paint on me from the homeless guys
At what point in my life was I not hugged enough to be on my fourth walk of shame in half as many weeks?
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
For someone only wearing socks and a cast, I felt reallyy overdressed
There are 27 signatures on my ass. What the hell happened last night?
Every time someone made a cup you congratulated them by letting them sign your ass.
Secondly, that waffle is lost for good. I have no fucking idea where that bitch is
I've reached the gravitational age where it's very hard to get my face and my boobs in the same shot without some kind of yoga involved .
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
my mom snuck into my room, washed her clothes and made her breakfast. what the fuck she's a better boyfriend than I am
I took a 19 year old to a strip club and ended up in a three way. Divorced life might be OK.
So apparently Facebook just randomly finds the girl who gave me a hard handy despite having no mutual friends...
I'm in Florida in a retirement community the fuck am I supposed to do but watch tv and disgrace Jesus
Randomize
