Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
after last night i think it would be a good idea if i wrote a will... you know, just in case.
you ever feel like there is a sober person insided you pointing and laughing....?
Judging by the grocery store, everyone stocked up on frozen pizza and beer for the blizzard. If our generation ever faces doomsday, we'll go out smiling.
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Ya. I was the definition of a shit show. I woke up outside my door when my alarm went off
You can come over, sure. But I'll be watching college hockey during the blow job.
you dipped you banana in queso last night.
Woke to a half burnt 20 in my pocket, covered in mud, clothes all wet, so im assuming I didn't use that 20 you gave me for a taxi
I just looked at the guy in the car next to me and he was wearing a divers mask. We just nodded cause we both understood.
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Did you Fuck minivan and her friend last night?
I am the sex elephant in the room. Again.
Notice how both of our plans for hooking up with these guys involve getting them drunk?
Oh my God, we're like men but with great boobs.
Don't worry, I'm not gonna try making you Eskimo sisters with your mom
Apparently karate chopping the fronts off all the paper towel and soap dispensers in the bathrooms isn't even frowned upon. Like even at the third bar when I fell flat on my back trying to jump kick the last one some guy just helped me up and high fived me. America.
I am really drunk and also a zombie.
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