I think I tried picking up these girls last night by asking them what their favorite color was...I obviously woke up alone
If a guy called my cleavage "mesmerizing" but is kinda related to me, does it still count?
Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
so it turns out that "condoms galore" does, indeed, come up on your bank statement
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I learned an important lesson this weekend.... I'm way to good at sex to travel for it. From now on he drives here...
my coworker just texted me asking if i remember pissing in the mop bucket at the gas station
Friends help friends remove their foot from the sunroof after an epic smoke sesh.
Brought him brownies before taking his pants off. I'm like the Martha fucking Stewart of booty calls. Walk of shame be damned.
You talked about giving to sperm banks on a first date. What did you expect?
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so gross sitting on a warm chair at a restaurant..you just know a fat person was sitting there shoveling food into their face for hours.
Well I sent him a pic of my vagina and sent back a pic of his puppy....so there's that
His new place is a molesden. Like a hole in the ground. It's frightening how oddly private it is.
It rubs the lotion on it's foreskin...
Dude, she doesn't even live here... She just can't eat all our food and masturbate on my dog's couch...
note to self: do not snort crushed up caffeine pills in the bathroom by yourself when ur super shit faced, ur face will fucking hate you in the morning.
So anyway, I'm just floating along life with my vibrator and low expectations.
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