it was like my fingers were behind enemy lines
Just found a keg and a mini-bike in our garage, this couldn't possibly go wrong
Best morning ever. I saw a bum giving another bum a blowjob downtown.
I dont think punching her boob is the type of reverse psychology that will get her to blow you.
you were saying "i am the vodka queen!" and then in a different voice replying to yourself "all hail the vodka queen! you are so beautiful!"
The dry cleaners wouldn't even take our clothes. That's how bad of a night it was.
Just got judged by the front desk clerk, 2 maids and a security guard at the Sheraton. I've decided to use this as a character building experience.
I dont know if this is a good time to tell you but im actually a freshman.. not a senior
If you were a good friend you would take the nipple tassels off me before the ambulance comes.
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
Be ready for a dog pile. On your head. With my ass.
I just can't do Wednesdays sober anymore
WELL THEN WHAT DAY IS IT?!?! This whole having to choose between ruining my future and ruining my liver is totally killing my vibe
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
I don't mean to alarm you but are the strongest testicles in the family. I just learned I can lift 90 lb with my balls! Beat that.
Randomize
