you gave the police officer your chanel wallet and said 'just keep it the i.d. is fake too'.
toilet paper cling ons are not as adorable as the little red cub makes them look on the charmin commercials.
And PS thanks for calling it my "sexual liberation" and not "slut fest 2010: part deux!"
If you're wondering about the pepper everywhere its for the ants and it was my doings. They hate pepper. You're welcome.
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
he texted me at 3am asking for "one of my famous blowjobs"
Let's get really high and wear fake mustaches and try not to laugh at each other...
I knew when her mom came in spraying me with Febreeze telling me I smelled like shame it was going to be a rough day.
I texted him 3 days ago he said he was pre gaming for the Super Bowl today he just text" gtomajg kaka hee 48!!!"
Do you still have "be bumpin" written on your ass in glitter pen? Who brings a glitter pen to a bar? Or pulls there ass out for that matter...
Only a true best friend would remind you to make sure your cucumber dildo is organic
I'm gonna cum garlic butter
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
Blacking out in the security line at the airport is not nearly as fun as blacking out in the lunch line at the dining hall.
You turned down sex for fried cheese??
My penis and doctor won't be happy with me, but come on. Fried cheese!
Randomize
