I feel like i'm in "To Catch a Predator - The Musical"
Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
so i woke up this morning covered in mail. none of it is mine.
NEWS FLASH: A bottle of wine can fit into a taco bell cup.
I no longer question where these bruises come from... between the strip pole in the living room, the slipnslide in the hallway and our constant level of intoxication I will always be bruised...
On 3 separate occasions, she grabbed my bullhorn to announce to the entire party she had fucked me.
I'm drunk and you're awesome. let's stay this way forever.
He has a shower chair now. So he sits and watches me shower. It's kind of creepy.
The highlight of your blackout was when you drunk showered with the garden hose and emailed your boss your vacation requests for the next year.
i feel we're the only people who'd use nyquil sexually
But I do know they give away thousands and thousands in booze
My liver has a boner
Well we get the HIV results on my birthday haha. It'll be like happy birthday kid, you have AIDS.
maybe if I avoid him long enough we could skip the talking part of "we need to talk"
I gave him breakup sex, AGAIN
Our son just found our secret Sex Dungeon that is no longer hidden in our basement. He brought his Xbox and the TV down there he is currently sitting in the sex swing playing video games. What do I do?
Randomize
