Spotted: forty year old in red dress, cigarette in hand, squatting to pee by railroad tracks. Hello future.
Now there are two cop cars. If I go to jail I just would like to thank you for making me wear boxers.
its family weekend so i'm givin my little bro a tour of everywhere ive thrown up on campus
Hold on there are flying pancakes I can't handle this right now
Maybe it's cuz you slapped him with a pancake last night
You were demanding water from a bottle but I didn't have one..so I just took the water bottle from the hamster cage. You're welcome.
That is true. Vodka is like a dog. Always loyal, warm, and there for you when you need it
I forgot to tell you, wear something you can puke on Saturday. We're christening this marriage with a shot of jager. NOT KIDDING.
I just remembered that we had an in-depth conversation about how it was too stressful to wear pants.
Hey it's Males-You-Probably-Wish-You-Hadnt-Had-Sex-With Monday. MYPWYHHSWM
Our nipples touched last night. It was tender.
I have an ideal penis or slightly above ideal penis in every country that isn't ruined by the specter of communism
She rode me like a jockey on that tiny couch. Then we spooned.
I tried to breakup with him by telling I had a threesome. He one upped me by saying he had a 5-some so I couldn’t do it.
Yo I'm lookin at the cows. They're just fucking docile things
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