And God said, "Let there be Twilight," and it was so.
I should injure you considerably.
I hid a 6pack in the microwave for later
I knew I liked you
You can call me Bill Clinton. I brought 2 good looking Asians home last night.
genius idea. im gonna paint my penis green like the serpent of sex
how am i supposed to spank it to a shakira video when she looks like she is doing the robot?
I threw up so much beer last night that my puke had a nice head on it.
I'm reducing my diet to vodka and rice cakes.
she moaned out jack bauer's name while i was banging her...
Why am I a bad person? You were the one trying to get people to eat tape.
Sorry I pulled the thermostat off the wall..
My grandmother cheats at beer pong and has been rubbing her tainted victory in my face for an hour now.
You're the only person I know who can be puking into a trash can at 8 in the morning in Manhattan and get a date out of it....
Yeah, this is not that. This is a father and son bonding moment involving my all of my orifices.
Your cock has been in the back of my throat. Co-worker is no longer a sufficient title. Fix that shit ASAP
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
Randomize
