at home by myself drinkin the left over champagne from my party... who says my birthday has to end?
bring the vodka.
i thought we were going to mcdonalds..?
we are.
Just saved her as "new hostess that randy banged" ...I forgot her name
this girl is having heart failure because she lost her feather...a gypsy blessed it in turkey. Not sure im high enough for this
She just got in car wreck. Wreck sex is better than break up sex
I feel like I'm in a bed a bagels and mistakes.
dude, my ass and shoulder hurt from that kayak last night... note to self: wood planks holding kayak from ceiling do not also hold up a human being
he attacked my vagina with the force of a thousand suns
Every time you visit for the weekend I end up having to bleach my entire house after.
But wait then while giving his drive thru order he goes in mid sentence, "Hey baby it's Travis remember me?"
I just took a service station dump so foul I had to buy gas out of guilt
Oh and it took quite a bit of doing, but I managed to wipe my butt with the hat you left in my car
I saw a penis covered in glitter tonight.
That's okay I'm failing college because I'm to busy giving over the pant handjobs in class..
Had a job interview today. Walked into the room and said "IT'S GO TIME, BITCHES".
Randomize
