maybe touching the ground while going 70 wasn't such a great idea after all..
my hangover today makes thursday's feel like a bubble bath.
I decided to follow my clitoris instead of my heart.
The smoke alarm went off as soon as we opened the closet.
what kind of one night stand wants to walk you home in the morning? whole diff kind of walk of shame.
I like that we've become good enough friends again that I can make fun of your penis without it being awkward
I woke up and he was just feeling up my stomach. I felt like buddha and he was rubbing my belly for good luck. never again.
It's like God tapped him on the shoulder and said "You are now capable of giving world shattering, tear jerking head."
also, sleeping with your chipotle guy sounds like a good idea until you want chipotle on your day off and have to look somewhat presentable to acquire said chipotle.
Can't decide if it was more awkward buying sheets together or disposing of them afterwards
Just drink your champagne out of a trophy like a fuckin winner
This wine tastes amazing. It's like a fermented hug.
He had the same tone in his voice and look in his eyes that he gets when he says UFOs aren't real.
Also, there's definitely not a non-hilarious way to ask to stick something up your butt.
i could only love him more if he was covered in glitter.
Randomize
