this beer tastes like vomit already
Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
I just saw a Puerto Rican child between the ages of 8 and 11 with a faint mustache talking very loudly on the bluetooth in his ear about how "Skittles are played the fuck out"
I found out that all you need to write a 12 page paper is adderall and twizzlers
this kid just offered me adderall in exchange for my meal points. college at its finest
Pretty sure I left lotion and my bra in your car. I've secured your fathers belief that your straight. You can thank me later
I had something called a trashcan. Never again. I almost fucked chewbacca.
I judge a person on how well they respect their vaginas... I can tell by the lack of respect she has for hers I dislike her.
whatever the appropriate amount of shots is to consider drunken acrobatics a good idea was a few less than I actually had
I was told to keep my leg elevated. I assume it means to keep my legs on the air, it's like I was prescribed to be slutty
My guy issues hinge on tonight's game. Caps win, it's Dustin. Rangers win, Josh. I even flipped a coin to see who got what team
All I've had to eat today are potatoes...and by that I mean vodka and chips
HOW DID I LET MYSELF GET SUCKED IN HE HAS A PENIS FOR PETE'S SAKE.
I mean seriously...It's like the universe is saying "your vagina is closed, move along"
You went on the date? His pickup line was I swear I'm not a serial killer and you went on the date???
Randomize
