i should write a book entitled 'the joys of being sexually objectified'
it's like god just wants me to be high for five days in a row. keep the blizzards coming.
i just overheard a girl at the next table saying she gave up sex for lent
don't you ever do that...
Honestly... isn't she a psych major? how does she go through life NOT realizing that everything she does is a cry for help?
constantly striving to make life awkward and more complicated, one drunk bone at a time.
Because he's your one night stand I shouldn't feel obligated to extend social media to him
I needed a test subject that didn't know any of my friends so that if i screwed up no one would really know or spread rumours about how it was the worst bj ever
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
I just read through our messages from yesterday and realized we both referred to me tearing my penis as a good thing. What the fuck.
So maybe I got drunk and hooked up with him in a hot tub? I mean that's nothing to be ashamed of, that kind of takes talent. I'd drown.
My night just got really weird. In a sit down stall bathroom at this nice resturaunt and this guy walks in as I rip a humongous porcelain-splitting fart. Well, I hear him stop for a second. He then opens the door to the stall next to mine, sits down and says, "player two has entered the game."
Did you win?
I'm more of a "get high and take a bath" kinda guy.
dude, i just found out morgan freeman loves weed. all my moms arguments are now irrelevant
Spent tonight painting strippers in camo.
Just landed in Atlanta. Still drunk. I can't feel my face
Randomize
