He just spent five minutes trying to sling shot a cheese-it off his dick and into my mouth.
Is it sanitary to roast marshmallows over a cigarette lighter?
Keeping my bail papers as a souvenir from when I was arrested. Too weird?
The best part was that when I woke up, I poked her with my dick to wake her up, and said, "Hi, I'm Alex. Nice to meet you". Shoulda seen the look on her face. Priceless.
We were squawking at each other for over an hour like chickens. Literally. Never touching the stuff again and never again showing my face at that Denny's.
hey did i steal that bike before or after the ball dropped, casue i might have broken my resolution already
Is a wave an appropriate goodbye when your one night stand wakes up and walks out towards the door while you are looking through the garbage for the evidence of a condom?
let's remember the whole point of NYE: to drink antisocial amounts of antisocial drinks, become incoherent, ruin a carpet, talk to a tree, wake up with head sellotaped to toilet. The where/how is superfluous, my vote goes to a cupboard and a bottle of jaeger Questions?
Sorry I got completely naked in your bed, but I feel our friendship has grown because of it.
Benefits of having to stay in jail for the weekend: learned how to make my own make up out of colored pencils. Also how to make use of toothpaste for hair products. Downfall was probably getting hit on by a murderer. Only me.
Sloppy and selfish. Your 27 and you don't know where my clit is? BYEEE
Whenever someone tells me they've never met a bisexual, I feel like a majestic fucking unicorn.
Guy in my class today said, "I'm pretty sure you think about beer 95% of the time."
He was so wasted he lit his sink on fire with shit he found in his room....it was smokeless. Chemistry majors drunk = the coolest shit ever.
She grabbed the other one and started playing tug-o-war against the blonde chick. I told you getting my nipples pierced was a good idea
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