If I was doing exactly what I wanted right now I would be getting fucked on a jet ski while listening to "When Love Takes Over" by Kelly Rowland while eating french fries.
I was so hungover I threw up on her when she answered the door. i don't think it was a good first impression
totally got the gold medal for the best fence jump when the cops came.
Is it too weird if im a sexy tampon for halloween?
you spent 5 minutes trying to open an empty PBR and kept saying "don't worry i'll get it i've been working out"
He wanted to bang in the work van while we were on shift together. He convinced me with "It's like the Scooby Doo van but looks nothing like the Scooby Doo van."
I just sat in the bathtub with the shower running so I could eat the whole box of mega stuffed Oreos. What am I doing with my life
i would never take his side over yours. you coulda gotten knocked up from another dude and i'd be right there next to you blaming it on him saying some shit like "his sperm were just too sub par for you" or "shoulda had a bigger penis"
They took the TVs out of the gym and the mini-Mart only had 2% milk. 2015 wants me to be fat
She asked how comfortable I was with her while we were in the shower. She then proceeded to pee in said shower.
lol hangovers are for mortals.
You drunkenly told one of the campus security guards that you liked his headset. In return he introduced himself, lit your cig, and told us that if anyone was giving us shit to call and ask for him... Best campus security ever.
The last time I saw you you got angry and yelled "WHISKEY DOESNT COUNT" ... I think that's at least a 7 on the hotmess scale.
I just put my eye make up on in the bathroom of the bar.... I may be too comfortable here....
I just thought I should tell you that I always know what you are doing. Everywhere. Every time. -Your loving Mother
Randomize
