I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
You ended at least 6 stories with "and that's why I don't snort coke anymore"
The problem with having your drunkeness documented at a wedding is not only does it show up all over facebook, but all over professional photography websites.
I just want you to know that i just realized your the only friend i dont feel fat around.
and my attempt at hiding my drunkness from my parents included walking into the wall as soon as they let me into the house.
The fact that every guy you've slept with since you've lost virginty either have the same first or last name isn't normal.
My therapist thinks I shld paint u something to show u my appreciation 4 ur friendship. 1) she must think I'm rite on the brink of no friends 2) this is real
With a breakfast like weed and a fun size twix before a dentist appointment you can see exactly how I handle being an adult
I'm surprised I didn't lose anything last night. Except maybe my dignity but other than that we gucci.
my entire left arm went numb
you need to get that checked to make sure you're not wired to have strokes instead of orgasms
Let's just say that in a last ditch effort to avoid getting arrested I said to the cop "but I'm not even that drunk" and he proceeded to point out (in front of a crowd) that I had "fucking pissed my pants"
Sometimes I wish I lived alone because there would be no one to judge me if I wanted to have whiskey and popcorn for breakfast.
I’m ready to be reckless and make stupid decisions, and I need you to support me in that.
Being drunk at Chick-fil-A is a dystopian experience
I wish I just waited long enough to hate someone to fuck one
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