There is something about drinking on a golf course and getting with younger women that just really makes me feel at home.
he got his own cum in his own eye. TWICE. how do you make that mistake again?
Just farted cum and thought I shit myself. Crisis averted tho
My 10 year old brother handed me a pack of condoms and said "here, i don't wanna be an uncle yet."
sometimes i wish i was a boob, they get to chill in soft and cuddly little cup things.
The liquor store guy just accused me of buying alcohol of minors due to how many bottles I got. The guy should be used to this from me.
He went THROUGH MY PHONE (he's 30 for God sake) then asked me why I was stringing along 12 guys... I told him he could have just asked me if I was banging other people and then saved himself from looking at pics of dicks bigger than his.
She frightens me and turns me on at the same time. She's a keeper
Restraining order pending?
did you just say you're too stoned to fool around? okay we're over.
The old guy next door tried to get me to go to his apartment for shots formoonshine. =-0
If that weren't so sketchy I would encourage it
Yeah it was almost as sketchy as a white panel van pulling up offering candy
Was expecting a sext from Kristi and then my mom randomly sent me a pic of her ugly Xmas sweater. Worst. Buzzkill. Ever.
Bro I needs to be rescued in 30 mins...prfeebly someone died in a car accident needs to be the excuse
I think she tried to suffocate me with her tits...she almost succeeded.
this periodpocalypse needs to be over. I need head
I bought a machete, tennis balls, and matches. How is this NOT going to be a great night?
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