new low, i just stole money from my 5 year old sister to buy condoms
I just put on my hot pinky lace thong... you know what that means! ;)
Oh god. Slutty you is on the run. Someone needs to alert the city.
My dinner last night was 3000 calories of beer. Slept kneeling on the floor w/ my head on a couch
Your braces fetish is going to end up biting you in the dick.
I just want to apologize for screaming when I saw you the other day. It's just that you looked really gross and I was high.
and then she judged me for using my bra as a potholder. hard times my friend, welcome to college.
It's just like riding a bike. Only it's a dude's face.
Now I'm at the gym and I never want to leave. It's a combo of adderall and endorphins and I don't want it to go away
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
I told him he was a man of science and that he should conduct experiments on my tits to see how they stay up. I need you to hold onto my larynx when I'm drunk.
I woke up with a bloody knee, 6 burn marks on my thigh and glitter nails If anyone asks I'm going to say You came into town
I farted in his bed and then in my drunken stupor grabbed hair defanging spray to cover up the stench.
I'm getting a car wash man. I am go get a car wash high.
I need to be her Aladdin, and show her the world. The sex world.
So I tried to catch a rabbit in Terraria & accidentally blew it up with a grenade made of bees. Monty Python would be proud.
Randomize
