im so horny i just used my electric toothbrush to masturbate. god help me
xbox live and facebook are tricking me into believing I actually have an active social life
I was so high that i was talking shit about a girl I was with via text, and I handed the phone to her so she could type the shit I was trying to say.
I think as far as last words to bitter ex girlfriends go, "enjoy that staph infection youre about to get in your uterus" is right up there with the best
I shouldn't be home alone with this much peanut butter and the dog. I feel like i'm being recorded to see when my desperation will peak.
This is stressing me out. I feel like I need to eat the dick.
fuck off. It's 10am and I'm drink gin and ginger ale through a twizzler straw. My life is marvellous
The ecstacy made me so dehydrated I started licking condensation off car windows
Waking up with cheese all over my clothes and my vibrator in my pants is a sign we drank way too much tequila last night
Cant leave im designed bacon maker you come here
A to Z: fucking your way through the alphabet
It'll be a kids book
After you punched me you ran away and it took an hour to find you... On the wrong floor... Sitting alone saying "it doesnt make sense"
I got caught throwing up in my daughters princess potty... On the bright side it played a rewarding tune afterwards.
Remember that guy that walked around our house naked with a boner wearing nothing but his winter coat? Well, he has a kid now.
try to milk me bitch
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