mmmm my 21st bday fucking sucks all my best friends are pregnant...selfish assholes. they just couldnt wait til after my bday.
My student's should feel privledged to see me tuesday after the amount of alcohol I consumed this weekend.
is it bad that listening to the rabbi's wife talk about how we should only be with one person is making me really, really horny for no string attached sex
She woke up with blood running down her face and asked the EMS guy where the keg was
Fucking plugged the shower with taquitos I just threw up.
Apparently william has a "couch montage"...an album of facebook photos of himself on different couches in various states of happiness and despair. A heartwrenching journey through what was clearly a significant part of his life. I'd mock him more but I think the fact that I looked through it means he's already won
She just drunkenly falls over and yells " I lost my footing!" in a british accent and then proceeds to run into the wall... did you spike her water?
I like to play this game where I try to reach orgasm before my bathtub overflows....lost tonight.
I am his drunk Jesus. I will love him from afar because he's my little lamb
It's amazing where one well timed dick pic can get you in life.
Putting plan B on my parents credit card wasn't the smartest idea
I told her we had to stay at the bar until at least midnight because that's when my direct deposit hit, don't tell me i'm not responsible
Correction: Jimmy johns. The one pita pit employee has been an asshole to me ever since you locked them out of the store
You spent an hour sitting naked in your neighbor's Jeep Wrangler yelling in a terrible British accent about how you were "on a safari". Then you passed out on your lawn.
Had a very good bday. Have the teeth marks and bruises to prove it
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