so I called to to smoke and you didn't pick up so I smoked and now I'm a race car
Any time you start making pro wrestling references before 10 PM I know that I'm breaking up a fight between you and some muscled up frat boy you call Hogan.
her and i fucked to a michael jackson song and she had it memorized so she squealed every time he did
Well today was Thanksgiving Anti-Miracle Daydrinkathon so I had to be drunk by 2pm
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
All I did was present the dick. You did the work. That's like thanking the pencil for a test you got an A on.
Wait, is this the kid that tried catching a bat in your backyard with a flashlight and a ball of tin foil?
I don't remember much of half-time. I do remember climbing onto the roof of the fraternity and telling people I was going to stargaze in French.
I chugged vodka from a 15 ft snorkel. What the fuck did you do with your life today?
I am walking funny today. And it's sad because it's from the bad encounter with the sidewalk rather than a good encounter with a stripper
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Dude she's from Moscow. I feel like I'm cheating on America.
I wore sunglasses to take a shower. I might be hungover.
I'm experimenting with sincerity
Fucking adderall I just talked at the security guard for 90 minutes
Her cop pants made me imagine I was riding a unicorn and by unicorn I mean her face
If wanting to text you my feelings after three mojitos is wrong I don't wanna be right.
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