I just peed or puked all or around my parjibgb lot.
parking. I am not drunk
Should I shave my pubes in the shape of a top hat so I can nickname my junk Abe Lincoln?
I watched the entire movie Forgetting Sarah Marshall before I realized it was in Spanish.
My family is watching Intervention and taking notes. I need to leave NOW!
she broke up with me using backstreet boy lyrics
you deserved it if you knew it was backstreet boys.
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
It's like a puppy that we have to take care of at all times or else she'll get sad, lonely, and chew on the furniture. And by 'chew on the furniture', I mean have anonymous sex.
I'm pretty sure I just crapped out my pancreas. I have 2 of those, right?
He's both a cowboy and a firefighter. Saying "no" was not an option.
come over. We can flirt with the criteria for substance abuse and talk about our daddy issues
We discussed how many times we've passed out during sex. The answers may shock you.
Just did. I played that shit out so casual I deserve an Oscar. Or am Emmy, or whatever the fuck you get for acting like a boss
He took a girl home at like eight, fucked her, kicked her out, came back to the bar, and repeated the process again at 10:30 and 2:30. THREE GIRLS IN ONE NIGHT. ALL PICKUPS. I HATE HIM.
Did he pick you up in a mini van?
Yes. Turns out my sugar daddy is about to be an actual daddy
No pussy. I don't care what time of year it is you do not look tough wearing sandals. Honestly you look like a high school guidance counselor.
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