I got chris browned last night
are you just going to ignore any texts involving my penis from now on? because thats going to shut down a pretty sizeable portion of our conversations.
Apple Jack is not a good idea for breakfast. Whiskey can't replace milk.
I gave up on alcohol forever for like 2 hours, that's got to be a new record
I just found a video of you asking to be a whale with me.
Btw, do you want me to fix this with a box of wine and a chick flick or is this more of a 'lets head to the strip club' problem? I'm just trying to analyze the emotional depth of the situation.
Just to update you. I am dead. So your probably gonna have to find a new roommate
I'm about to start putting my tampons in the microwave for a few seconds these plastics applicators and this weather don't mix
There must be a happy medium universe where you get it on with my girlfriend enough to cause me pain but not a full on cardiac arrest. It's a fine line to tread though.
This is gonna be a long day for my vagina and I
I had a flashback of using my sock as a napkin after we got taco bell
You left a bit of molly on the table and my mom found it. She asked what it was, I said "not drugs"
She believed me because "leaving that much behind on the table would be a waste so obviously it's not drugs."
Is it bad that we left the kid passed out on the bus? I think his name was texas. I was too drunk to be questioning this.
I brought an already opened bag of trail mix from home to snack on today. Some motherfucker ate all the m&ms out of it. I hate my roommates
You are, as of last night, the self declared king of pooping. Long may you reign.
Randomize
