Ps there is totally a drug addled prostitute in olympic pizza asking for change for a 100 bill
the people of mcdonalds are all starring at me & this dude like they know we just slept together
My dad just walked in on me screwing the chick from the bar...the look of relief on his face was sort of hurtful.
I think need to divide my DVD collection into "movies I've seen" and "movies I've only seen during sex"
looking back it was a good thing we were too wasted to fire up the chainsaw
Ok so in the last 18 months I have now driven four different dudes into counseling. I'm like heroin with a vagina.
I don't even know if I LIKE sober sex any more.
So maybe putting the blacklight above the futon wasn't the best idea...
Hey can you send me a copy of my mugshot? I need it to prove a point
He ripped my sink off my bathroom wall and then threw up in it.
She's asleep in a fisher-price toy car
Sorry, i'm on a strict diet of vodka and regret
I think I am just gonna marry that lesbian. She is more of a respectful gentleman than any of the guys I've slept with.
I had sex while watching Lord of the Rings last night. I think I just reached a new level of nerd.
I ripped ass in on and around her face during a hard 69. I don't think she'll ever call me again.
Randomize
