The online application for Mcdonald's said I could do incredible things there. Today I threw out shit filled underwear in the women's restroom and escorted a very drunk/high 42 year old man outside after he ordered a 5 dollar foot long and a bloody mary.
So I cleaned out my gym bag. Found half a bottle of malibu.
You know, I could pretend I'm shocked but what's the use?
So, I found out he was eating a jolly rancher while eating me out.. Hence the yeast infection.
If it makes you feel any better, I had my finger up some guy's butt today... Dominatrix training, ya know...
4 days in college, 3 frat parties. I haven't been this drunk since the unspeakable Jäger bomb incident in Sweden.
Lift me 50ft in the air like a tow truck but with your penis
How high are you exactly
Can we smoke pot out of a menorah?
Not sure when or why this happened but I just stopped giving a shit about everything
listen I need taco bell and an orgasm within the next hour. I'll leave the order in which you provide those things up to you
Do u have any idea how hard it is to masturbate in a CVS bathroom when your name is being called over the speakers to pick up a prescription for painkillers?
No way hahaha I have zero intention of adding him I wanna just join in on a three some but mostly just be there for moral support and snacks
My friend just got engaged and I'm setting vibrators on fire.
Your life rocks...
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
he tied his pants around my leg to stop the bleeding... i think he just wanted a good excuse to take his pants off
well did it work?
it was a success in both ways.
He said "I can't believe I had sex with a cat lady". Am I flattered or is this a new low?
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