bella threw up all over the kitchen floor then looked at me, laughed, and walked away
isn't bella the cat???
that she is
i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
Its sad we have to plan out fun a month in advance. 30 sucks.
She's Christian and monogamous. Two wammies right there. No amount of convincing will turn that bi for a night.
whatever, you made your decision to be a responsible student and where did it get you? a pushed back exam and no blowjob.
Hooking up with him would mean my type has officially become... drug dealer.
Every time you started making out for him we all cheered for you... that's what sorority sisters do - they cheer you on when you make bad life decisions at the bar.
Just sucked a bong hit straight from my girlfriends mouth & pretended I was a Dementor. Life just 87% more like HP.
I can't believe you're asking me to think of a sincere, creative way to apologize to your penis at 2 am.
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
He had to put his grandma's photo away before I tied him to the bed. She doesn't need to see any of that.
I woke up on the floor with 2 cartons of cigarettes, a box of chocolate bars, and a business card for a man named Larry. Don't remember him, but if the Rols on his card is his, I might throw him a mouth party...
Good news!! I can adult!! 😂 turning down the strip club on a weeknight has become my crowning achievement ðŸ˜ðŸ˜‚
Well I had to have sex with him so he would buy me plan b. The fact that I had sex with someone else last night who couldn't afford it is irrelevant.
Like sometimes I’ll be hangry but for dick
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