I just walked in on my mom and dad......It wasn't my dad
even your uterus rejects him.
apparently my uterus is the smartest part of my body.
That's ok. Our relationship has a solid foundation of booze and questionable behavior.
update: ifinallt managed t5o be in a. Horizontal position without throwing up... the snmall victories.
I'm laying outside on my patio attempting to get sun with a puke bucket next to me... This is dedication to the tan my friend
Yes, but if I hadn't gotten here early, I never would have seen the butch lesbian midget waddling down stairs from the bar. Worth every minute of drinking alone.
cashier rang me up and said, "white people are funny." like i'm NOT the only white person to buy just lettuce & 40 glow sticks
She said we could only have sex if she got to keep her fake moustache on during
I just want to know what horrible accidents of evolution allowed that tiny penis to exist
I drank toilet water last night, I can't answer you because my phone is in rice.
There is a check pinned to the wall at Connor's. It's a check I wrote for $1,000,000... To you. Clearly you made out well on St. Patrick's day. Thanks for being too shitfaced to remember to grab that.
We had sex and then stood naked in his living room eating zucchini bread.
If you walk into a place and someone says "happy birthday" while handing you a shot. You. Take. It.
Can you send me the picture you took of me smoking a joint with the cat make-up on?
You left your phone here
Wait...
Randomize
