Oh my god he is having a sentimental moment right now.
He just sent me like a really heartfelt confession of love in which he ended with "make the apt, I'll hold your hand while you get your clit pierced."
Hey, could you leave the door unlocked? Keys seem hard right now.
Is it sanitary to roast marshmallows over a cigarette lighter?
Tidal wave of highness just hit. Find shelter and catnip. gloves. zebra striped car washes.
He gave me an orgasm before we even reached 2nd base, everything he did in high school is irrelevant.
if you ever get a chance to, fuck in a lecture hall. great acoustics. highly recommend it.
Thanks for walking over, a conversation about David Bowie's dick as a muppet is exactly what my day was missing.
I can't drink with the moms anymore. All they talk about is lactating.
I am not being the messenger for your booty call.
I spoon fed you cheerios when you were black out drunk. You owe me one.
When nipples stop being hilarious I'll stop getting them out in public.
I just thought you should know.... I am fully committed to being a ho this summer
We'll get you some ice cream, but no sprinkles. Sprinkles are for winners.
Lol for real, I'm Kylie Jenner "this is my year of realizing things" right now
I would also like you to tell your human bio class that I successfully smoked out the flu. 103 degree when I woke up yesterday. 100degree after one bowl. 4 more bowls and 16 hours later all that's left is a cough
I really regret not asking “like a cupcake” when you asked me to eat your ass
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