The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
She rode me to the beat of Baby Got Back. I swear to god.
I think this dress is screaming I want a birthday 3some with two moderately attractive guys. I hope.
I'm taking last night back. It officially didn't happen. Tell your friends.
Even Lady Gaga hates Purdue
Out of ice. Vodka+club soda+cut up lime popscicle=I'm an alcoholic genius.
Is it just me or did a policeman park your car last night?
I just took a shower and I feel like 20 pounds of sex just came off of me.
She came to the party with six kegs and a life sized portrait of Lavar Burton. SHE WILL BE MY WIFE.
Whoever decided to wrap my shins in duck tape owes me new leg hair.
He walked around my apt complex completely naked and started peeing in the maintenance because he thought it was the bathroom. So yeah, pretty drunk.
You were drunkenly dancing with a statue you affectionately referred to as "The Captain." I wasn't going to deny your happiness.
I realized today that the only things I'm guaranteed to have with me at all times are lipgloss, condoms and a USB drive. hmmm...
I’m doing tequila shots with lesbians. This isn’t how I planned my night but I’m not complaining
Is that your Nuva ring on the floor? Shit must have gotten crazy
Randomize
