I'm drinking ghetto ass mojitos!
Wow. How can mojitos be ghetto?
Squirt + bacardi limon + limes = ghetto mojitos
She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
Words of wisdom-never eat a peanut-butter covered banana on a construction site ever again
bitch please you did NOT just unlike my status..
I just realized this is gonna be the last time that I'm high in my childhood home. I'm kinda sad. I'm really high..
told weddin planner we wanted to work in ceremonial body shots before vows. she hasnt reponded yet...
Dear room mates I tried to shotgun pam in the kitchen. It is slippery. Please be careful. That is all. Love you.
We won't have time to talk.. I'll be rolling you a blunt and you'll be getting naked.
I think I left my chapstick at your house when I tried using your penis as a catapult and flung it on the floor. Be a dear, and try to see if you can find it.
My plan for the weekend: 1) Get shit faced in Vegas. 2) Not die
this new dose of ADD meds is totally being waisted with the unemployed new graduate thing if only I could add my hyper focused side effects to a coverletter
We are not having sex in the fucking kindergarten
It’s a dick. Seen one, seen em all. Unless it spews a fountain of tequila, I don’t need to see yours.
I’ve got a closet full of cosplay outfits and horny boytoy to help me ride out this pandemic
I just thought you should know that you should be proud of your dick. It's pretty much perfect. Just, ya know, by the way.
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