i've come to the conclusion that there is no classy way to apply chloroseptic spray to your butthole.
Apparently Chef Boyardee is the only guy I'm taking home tonight.
I just threw up in a patch of wild flowers on the side of the road. I never knew rock bottom was so beautiful.
She only remembers me when she's drunk. It's like I'm a suppressed memory that only surfaces with alcohol.
I feel like he's only with me because no one else would blow him.
I am the slutty bisexual glue that holds this friendship group together.
Oh god. I asked to "play his sexaphone" which I though was a super sex way to say "let me blow you". He fucking walked home at 4:30am
I think our prof has caught onto our drinking game. He burst into the room with a big smile on his face and yelled "essentially! Essentially! Essentially!"
He snapchatted me the wine on the ceiling this morning
It's the 30 sec rule.... the worst that could happen is I could die
Why even have a ground level apt if you're not gonna let me climb out the window? I hate walk of shaming in front of toddlers...
Getting drunk at 9 am is not a super power.
You proposed a left ass cheek firmness contest and got a surprising number of contestants. Then you ruined it by groping someone who wasn't playing and awarding them first place.
when they cut me off i played the entire Justin Bieber playlist and left for another bar that didn't think i'd had enough to drink
He may have been a dick but he DID give me his Netflix log in. Maybe some good did come of it.
Randomize
